It’s a dreary Tuesday morning, it rained all weekend. I managed to stay sober this weekend, but wow was it hard. I was not expecting that at all. It started to annoy me late Friday afternoon, and continued throughout the weekend. Even though I knew I was not going to drink, it was on my mind all weekend. Why can’t I be like normal people and have a drink?! But the thing is, I didn’t want A drink, I wanted 6 drinks. I am trying not to romanticize drinking, and remind myself it is an illusion!!!
I worked out this weekend, but I ate a lot of sugar. I think I was trying to fill a void by eating food. I felt dull, restless, bored, agitated. There was SOMETHING missing, and nothing could fill it.
We left the lake Saturday evening, as I was feeling weird and wanted to be back home in my king size bed. Thank goodness we left when we did, because of course my brothers and dad got in a fight, because they all drank too much. Shocker. Just reinforces why drinking causes me anxiety. Even when I am not drinking and I am around my family, or other drinkers who are clearly intoxicated, I noticed I get anxiety. I never know whats going to happen, who is going to blow up.
When we got back from the lake, we went to a bbq at my man’s (G) we will call him, friends house. G wanted to grab some beers for the bbq, and was let down when we realized the store was closed. In my head I thought “See you don’t want to even go to one bbq without a drink, and here I have to do everything without a drink.” That was just my little bitchy attitude speaking up, as he is the most normal drinker I know.
When we got to the bbq, Ty’s girlfriend also said she was glad I was there so she didn’t feel pressured to drink because she didn’t feel like it. That made me feel good that I could be a good influence on other people. I didn’t drink, I enjoyed the bbq.
And here I am this morning, happy that I survived, and once again PROUD. I did not give in to the feelings, and they passed.
I read something from a fellow blogger that said “Don’t do something life changing and serious, like take a drink, when you are having feelings. The feelings will pass, you having a drink will start the cycle again.
I can’t stand the thought of starting over at day 1.
Today is a stressful day, I am signing the papers at 1 today to take over my dad’s business. It isn’t going well as my other brother is mad, possibly quitting, family drama, our secretary has something up her a** lately…. ugh. I keep thinking of the new financial responsibilities I have now… BUT…..I CAN get through this, without a drink. I will.
Much Love, xo