I spent the better part of the weekend feeling like I let myself down. And my mom. My mom is so proud of me. I cried.
I told my mom on the phone this morning what happened this weekend, and she wasn’t disappointed in me. She made me realize that I am a human being, an imperfect human being, living in a sinful world. I am going to make mistakes. I made a mistake. She is the best mother in the whole wide world.
And I picked myself back up- dusted myself off- and I am moving on. I am calling this a slip, not a relapse. To me, a relapse would be full blown going back into drinking like I was. I actually think this slip up was supposed to happen for a reason.
I have been upset with G the last couple of days, as I knew it was a bad situation to be putting myself in, and I told him as much the entire week leading up to it. But he is still young, and still can drink and have fun, and I don’t want to just be this boring, sober girlfriend who is no fun. I think he knows now after this weekend, that I can’t just “not drink” and I know he will def not put me in those situations anymore. I know he feels badly. This was a learning experience for both of us.
The reasons I relapsed are very very similar to a lot of people who relapse:
- I was not in my “safe” place, I was out of my comfort zone, with a lot of people partying.
- I had no cell service at the camp site, and when the voices started in my head, I could not reach out to my mom, the person who would have talked me off the cliff.
- I did not partake in my “sober toolkit” as soon as I knew I was headed for trouble
- I didn’t listen to my inner intuition, and went anyways.
I explained to G this morning and this weekend that no longer am I going to be around if he so chooses to drink. If he wants to go out with his buds and tie one on, he can’t have me there too. Maybe once I am more comfortable in my sobriety, but not yet. I thought I could still be this cool sober chick, that has no problem being around people who are drinking, and me being sober isn’t going to change anything .. but I was wrong. In fact, the whole time I was there I felt guilty, and I knew I was not being authentic to myself. It’s either sobriety, or disconnect for me, there is nothing more.
This experience has meant a lot to me. But its not the end of my recovery. I am going to strengthen my tools even more, be even more aware of triggers, maybe even start to work the steps. I know I need to get more serious about this. I am not going to dwell on this, here to another sober beautiful day!!!